Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
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pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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