sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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