Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
