We're facebook friends in real life
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
