Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
