Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we're so committed to being not committed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
