Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
