does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
