i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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