My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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