My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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