So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
