are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
