That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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