There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
