The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
