I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
