i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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