I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
