The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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