I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
