Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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