Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
it's great music for shaving your balls
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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