nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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