Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
