Screwed.edu
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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