Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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