also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
