This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
There's even glitter on my cock...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
