End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
