I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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