If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
