I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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