Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
