i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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