he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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