my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
