Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
