i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Randomize
