he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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