she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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