this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
