dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
