She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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