dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
