I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
