TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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