I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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