Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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