he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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