Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
