3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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