Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
