I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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