my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need to sanitize my soul.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
