She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was confusing and full of hummus
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
