I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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