i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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