he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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