My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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