My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
