i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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