Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
